Fearing positive change
As I write this, my partner of 4 years (whom we’ll call ‘Kitty’) is telling her husband in no uncertain terms that she wants to end their 8 year marriage. She has very valid reasons (which include emotional neglect that someone such as myself considers borderline abusive) and she has reached the end of her patience with him.
I have no love for Lump (as I call him). He objected to our relationship early on and has never communicated clearly, instead preferring anti-social and passive-aggressive behavior. The last shred of effort I was willing to put in to a positive relationship with Lump was when the three of us went to couples counseling. It was made clear that there was communication issues there that ran very deep with Lump, and it appeared that he had no desire to improve this aspect of himself or the relationship with me.
Since that time, I have felt that the best thing I can do for myself is to stop trying with him. I have interacted with Kitty in my usual loving and social way, but I have made no real effort to include Lump in any social activity. This is particularly challenging as I live under the same roof as both Kitty and Lump.
With many valid reasons for Kitty to end said relationship, why do I feel so nervous and anxious about this? I don’t think he’ll harm her. Indeed there is every possibility he will view this as a relief.
Do I have sympathy for him given my own psychically damaging attempt at marriage and my general sympathy for those with relationship difficulties? Maybe.
Do I fear an unknown and uncertain future as opposed to a known (albeit unhealthy) living situation? As someone with anxiety, that is certainly an issue
There is the illogical guilt I feel at the prospect him being uncomfortable in his marriage because of me. That is usually quelled by reminding myself that his communication and emotional issues are his responsibility, not mine.
I’ll breathe a sigh of relief when I get a call or text from Kitty letting me know how things have gone down. Until then, I take a deep breath, drink my tea, and KBO (keep blogging on)