An update, a rant, and venting (You’ve been warned)
I need to go back to using this blog for it’s original intended function. I intended to use this the same way I use my journal. To write what I feel without fear, shame, or judgement. To put words to my emotions to better process them and not bottle them. What follows is a rambling rant. If it offends or hurts, please know that is neither my intent nor my wish. I just need to get things out.
- After 104 days, my neuropsych ‘professional’ finally got my evaluation report to me. This was a far cry from the 21 days he assured me it would take. Please keep in mind I have been weaned off of any psych meds since August in order to come at my testing with a clean slate (at the instructions of the referring psychiatric staff!) I now know why so many people with depression/anxiety/etc end up committing suicide. The mental health community will make you sit in queue forever unless you are going to self-destruct right now. I can’t imagine I’m the only one embarrassed about needing help which makes it all the more likely people will go untreated. Its either that or tell them you’re about to self-destruct and get institutionalized. I have languished in shame, depression, and anxiety for months waiting for the people I went to for help to help me. I’m very thankful that I’m so strongly opposed to suicide otherwise I might have been in much worse shape. As of this writing, I am still awaiting treatment! For those who don’t hear from me or who I’ve withdrawn from in the last 6 months, please understand that odds are I love you and I miss you and please reach out to me!
- I love the Purple Kitty who I have been with for 4 years this month. However, I do not see myself living with her and her husband in the long term unless something changes. In the 4 years of my relationship with her, he has been dismissive, disrespectful, opposed to our relationship outright. After 4 years, he still opposes my collaring of her, he still can’t hold a conversation with me without being condescending or obnoxious, and I have absolutely no hope of my relationship with him improving. For the rest of this post, I shall refer to him as the Lump. He’s made up his mind about me and I have no incentive to spend one mote of energy on him. The best I can hope for is to not have to interact with him. One of the reasons I have so little patience with the rest of the world is that I have to save it all for when I’m at home or work.
- I have long since tired of having to clean house after housemates who have to be told to clean up like they are small children. I understand chores suck and adulting sucks, but both the Lump and the Kitty have to be told things that are common sense. They need to be told to do simple things like put their dishes away or take out the garbage. The Kitty hopes the Lump will get the clue but frankly the smell of festering garbage or unwashed dishes has grown offensive by waiting. I end up doing the chores because they won’t get done without direction and I’m just too tired to explain to the Lump why he should contribute to the household in some way other than rent.
- In other relationship rants, I still have yet to find a partner who can take on any dominant role. This is my fault even more than circumstances, but I have no idea how to find what I seek. I want to find someone who inspires me to submit, someone who makes me excited to submit to their whims, someone who I can inspire to be powerful and who will in turn use that power to inspire my loyalty. I can’t even get a decent beating without visiting a professional as of late and I’m still struggling with that because I feel shame at what I perceive to be my failure. I desperately need to get past this if I’m going to receive any subspace of any kind.